I am a nurse. I am here to help you. I understand that you are sick, that you are hurting, that you are in pain. However, your pain is not an excuse for you to hurt others nor is it a valid reason for you to yell at me or your family. I studied to care for you, not to be physically or verbally abused by you. I got a degree to tend to you, not to be belittled by you. I persevered through years of sleepless nights to be here for you and I continue to do so but please do understand that I am here to serve you, not to enable you or be a slave to you. I am here to help you get better, not to spoil you. I am here to tell you the truth, no matter how painful it is, not to lie to you. Every time you curse at me, I let it go because you're sick and no one wants to be in the hospital. I get that. But just because I understand does not make it okay. Every time you insult me, I bite my tongue and continue to do my job because I'm aware that you are hurting. But I get hurt too. So please don't bite the hand that feeds you. Or the hand that heals you. Your suffering does not justify rudeness, defamation, and violation. But that's the reality isn't it? Pain and suffering. "Misery loves company," they say and, sometimes, you can't control it. You could be here for a lot of reasons: maybe you got into an accident, maybe you haven't been taking care of yourself, or maybe you're sick just because you're sick. Whatever your reason, you are here with me as your nurse and you might cooperate or you might not. You might be completely unconscious or you might fight me and be combative with me. You might joke around with me or you might swear at me. Nonetheless, I am here at your bedside, spending time with you because it has become the unfortunate norm for nurses to be able to "put up and shut up," deescalate the situation, and go on with our shift like nothing happened. So I will smile and greet you. Blame the sickness, not you. I will keep caring for you because that is what I am here to do. Because I am a nurse and I am here to help you.
Letter To My Ex: From The One You Let Get Away
This is for anyone who has been left behind and to those who walked away from someone who loved them beyond boundaries. With anger, pain, forgiveness, and understanding, I write this letter to all the exes out there who have broken someone's heart, myself included.
To anyone who is still grieving, stay strong. Move forward. Life is too short to settle for less and too beautiful to be wasted on past pains.
To Whom It May Concern: This is for all of us.
For a while now, I've been using words as weapons not against others but against loneliness, heartbreak, and even against myself. Then, words became a voice and not just for me but for others too. However, I found myself reluctant to give that voice... well, a voice. I was scared and I still am but, today, I am breaking down my own barriers.
I have decided to start a vlog.
I am exposed and vulnerable. I am not perfect.
But it's all part of being human.
I would like to thank two very special people in my life for challenging me to go beyond my own limits and encouraging me to free-fall into the world of heart, soul, creativity, courage, and growth. Thank you, Labs (Lourdes May Maglinte) and B (Rowell Ucat), for believing in me and seeing value in my vulnerability.
Loving : Fighting
Fighting for someone you love doesn't always mean waiting for them or hoping that they reciprocate your affection. Sometimes, fighting for someone means fighting for their happiness even if it doesn't involve you. You fight against yourself, against your own happiness, because that's how much theirs means to you. You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness so that they can have theirs. You fight against your very instinct to have your love tangibly expressed and felt. You fight against every desire to chase after them. To stay close to them. Because they want nothing more than to be close to someone else.
Mister Grandpa
A few days ago, I found out that someone I know was found unresponsive and is in critical condition. For the sake of anonymity and privacy, I will refer to him as Mister Grandpa. Mister Grandpa is one of those people that would leave a piece of themselves behind with everyone they meet like breadcrumbs or marks left on a forest trail. He is known to have a signature scent on him, a hint of citrus and berries, with a good taste of rock music and a smile to go along with it. He would come by at work and refer to everyone as "Ma'am" and "Sir"; I always found that funny because I thought everyone else should be the one to call him "Sir" out of respect. He would randomly ask me if I wanted a snack. "Do you want any coffee? Or candy?," he would say. Every time, I said no because I didn't want him to spend any of his money on me but, every time, I would find candy on my desk. One night, I came in for my shift and he saw that I was wearing a mask. He asked if I was okay. I told him I had been coughing but I was fine. He told me he hoped I'd feel better soon. I said thank you. We went on our separate ways after that. A few minutes later, he came back looking for me and handed me some cough drops with no words said. He was that person. Sweet and kind. Warm. He reminded me so much of my own grandfather. Nice to everyone and always had a conversation for the people he meets. He may have left a piece of himself with all of us but he also took a piece of all of us with him. And he never even knew it. He had no idea that, as he maneuvered through the path of life, he left a mark on all of us like we are the branches and life is the forest trail.
He died yesterday.
It's been a tough week. We all suffer a great loss.
As he suffers no longer.
I speak a lot about being independent and moving on when the one you love no longer loves you back (or when they never loved you at all). I deliver words of staying strong and standing up on your own with no reliance on others to help you. But, to be honest, I am just as vulnerable as everyone else. I falter. I cry. I struggle. I burrow myself in my overthought ideas and assumptions. I am the worst at taking my own advice. I preach but lack practice. I am just as unguarded and exposed to the desires of my heart. I lower my defenses. I lose my composure. I lose myself. I fall asleep feeling broken and I wake up just the same.
I'm not perfect. I'm not ironclad. I am made of glass;
strong as steel but I break.
I had to deliver the news today.
That their loved one died. That her mother passed away. That his wife is gone.
Times like this, I loathe the side effects of love. The losing. The missing. The pain. I don't want to feel the loss of the love of my life nor do I want to cry over the death of my child. I don't want to relive the moment of when I lose a piece of myself. To drown in the sorrow that comes with absence. To abruptly feel nothing but emptiness. I don't want any of that.
But I do want to love.
To wake up in the morning in his embrace, all nice and warm like our bodies were made to fit perfectly with each other. To feel the butterflies and giggle like a little girl because of something that he said. To hold a precious baby in my arms for the first time after carrying him or her around in my belly for so long. To watch that baby grow into a beautiful human being. To know that there is someone who not only climbs my walls but, instead, breaks them. To look past the imperfections and to accept them as they are. To hear "I love you" meant with the weight of every single word said. To say "I love you" without a doubt or question of whether it's committedly reciprocated. To freely and fully invest myself in someone without the slightest fear of being taken for granted. To care for someone without boundaries. Without conditions. I want to go through life being loved and loving them in return. More than that, I want to live as someone who has a never-ending supply of compassion and empathy. For a husband, a child, a pet, a friend. Even for a neighbor. A stranger. To pay for someone else's meal without them knowing. To open the door for someone just because. To offer help without being asked. To be there even when everyone else has left. As much as I hate the thought of hurting... as much as I dreadfully anticipate it, I would rather have the signs and symptoms of love despite its side effects than go through the lack of it.
I delivered the news today.
That their loved one died. That her mother passed away. That his wife is gone.
But they're never really gone, are they? The memories, the love, the essence of being loved. All of it stays. The loss from love is never as great as the gain from it. And that is why, though I may feel every inch of pain in existence, I will love beyond my heart's extent.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Even If It Hurts
When I was in high school, I liked this boy. And he liked me. But I said no when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I never told him why. I never told him that it was because he had no dreams. No aspirations. He didn't want to do anything with his life. One day, I asked him what he wanted to do after we graduated. He just shrugged and said, "I don't know." I don't know why but that bothered me. Not his answer but how he said it. It wasn't just that he didn't know. It was that he didn't care to know. He had no intentions of being anything more than he was. I didn't tell him why I turned him down. I wanted him to figure it out on his own. I wanted him to act on himself for himself and not because it would've changed anything between us. I wanted him to figure out his life on his own. Gone were the days when we could just dream of the things that could be. We were already living in the times of when we had to make them happen. But he didn't. And nothing happened. Not with his dreams. Not with his life. Not with us. We don't talk anymore. He has kids now. And a wife. I think. I'm not sure if they're still together but that's beside the point. A lot has changed since we were kids but one thing has stayed the same: he still has no aspirations. No drive. No passion.
He was the greatest heartbreak of my life. When he left without a trace, I lost equilibrium. Too many times, I woke up crying. Sobbing. Wailing. Trying to catch my breath. After a while, lines started to blur. I didn't know which were worse — the nightmares when I was asleep or the ones I had when I was awake. It was excruciating. I lost my best friend. No closure. No explanation. No goodbye. He just disappeared from my life like he never existed. Like I never existed.
But, you know what? I don't regret saying no for a second nor do I regret having known him. The heartbreak he gave me prepared me for those to come. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to say no. It's okay to not follow your heart. To go with your brain. With what's logical. With what's practical. Even if it hurts. Life is too short to settle for less and too beautiful to be wasted on past pains. Give yourself the opportunity to find more than what life throws at you. Let yourself flourish. You might not think so when you do but things have an interesting way of working out when you give them a chance. When you give yourself a chance.
Again. And again. And again.
So I recently met someone who was being physically abused by her ex-husband. She told me he would stay at her place with her kids and wouldn't have to pay for rent or any of the bills. A few months ago, she found out that her ex-husband is seeing another woman and is paying for her rent elsewhere. But she kept taking him back because he always went back to her. A few days ago, they had an argument because he's still seeing the other woman. She yelled at him. He yelled back. He pushed her off. Pushed her again. And again. And again. Until she fell to the ground. He pinned her down. One knee right next to her face, the other right on top of her chest. She could barely breathe. She couldn't move. She couldn't get out. And he hit her. Again. And again. And again. Until she begged him to kill her instead. He didn't.
Even as nothing but a stranger, I felt angry. She was older than me. Probably around my mom's age. I was infuriated. 14 years, they've been divorced.
"I keep taking him back. Because he keeps coming back," she said. "But is he really back when he keeps seeing someone else?," I responded. She couldn't answer. Not out loud.
"You said you've been separated for 14 years and, yet, you're still in this situation. Are you okay with living like this for the rest of your life?" She stayed silent.
She said she has kids. So I asked her how she would feel if they knew about the abuse. She told me they did. They knew. "How would you feel if your kids were in the same kind of relationship?," I asked her. She said she would go after anyone who hurts her kids. I looked at her. "So, why stay with him?" She couldn't answer me then either.
There are times when you're better off alone. Being in circumstances like this is one of them. Don't ever settle for an abusive relationship. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Sexually. Abuse is abuse. Don't stay because your partner "keeps coming back". Don't let yourself linger. Leave. Get out.
You are not a punching bag. You are not a doormat.
You're a person. A human being.
Someone worth all the love and care in the world. Not only from others but also from yourself. Give yourself a chance to be happy and loved. Not for the wrong reasons but for the right ones. Often, the person abusing you the most is yourself. Set yourself free. Don't limit yourself. Don't hinder yourself from getting the best out of life. Don't undermine yourself. Someone out there will love you and love you right. You just have to love yourself first.
You were like fire to me.
So beautiful. So mesmerizing. So... enticing. But you were also dangerous. So very dangerous. I could not get near you. I shouldn't. Not too close. Or else I'd only hurt myself. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. Tempted but cautious. Distant but captivated. I tried. God knows I tried. But you were a force field and I was inside it. Bound by your energy. Grounded by your gravity. Caught by your charisma. And, like a moth, I couldn't resist. And, like a flame, you couldn't save me. My self-destructive attraction. My downfall. My most painful yet pulchritudinous burn. My sublime catastrophe.
And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Waiting.
How do you know if someone is going to be worth the wait? How do you know if things will work out in the end? How do you know that it won't be a waste of time?
You don't. The only way you'll ever find out is to wait and to see it through. All the way. To the end. Until you find the answer to all those questions.
Waiting isn't only about patience. It's also about faith; how much you believe in your love, how much you believe in each other, how much you believe in yourself. It's also about love; how far it's willing to go, how far you're willing to take it, how much you're willing to give. It's about your attitude. How will you handle the highs? How about the lows? It's about your integrity and your consistency. Are you willing to stay through thick and thin? Are you going to stand firm and stand by your love?
Don't be scared to wait. If things work out, great! You get what you want. If they don't, it's okay. It's a chance for you to learn something. Wait for your love. And, while you do, work on being a better you. A healthy relationship is one where you grow and not stay at a standstill. Learn. Flourish. Thrive. Loving someone doesn't mean being completely dependent on them and being unable to do things on your own. It means being with someone who brings out the best in you and accepts the worst of you. It's being with someone who complements you, someone who completes you. It means being with someone whose voids you can fill and, together, you are two individuals creating and cultivating something bigger than you can ever conceive on your own.
How do you know if someone is going to be worth the wait?
True love waits. Even if you go your separate ways, what is real and what is true is always worth the wait.
How do you know if things will work out in the end?
You don't. But you'll never know if you're not willing to go there.
How do you know that it won't be a waste of time?
It's all about perspective. Would it really be a waste of time if, at some point, it's all you ever wanted? If you don't have to live thinking that you should have given more or done more because you put every atom of yourself into it?
They say that waiting is the hardest part but the reward is so much greater than the risk. Even if it ends in heartbreak, you get something out of it. You gain experience. You find foresight for future endeavors. You unearth a little bit more of yourself. Waiting is difficult and frustrating but it's far less disappointing than giving up. Don't deprive yourself of what waiting can give you. If you find yourself alone and brokenhearted, get right back up and live on because, if you worked on yourself while you waited, then you blossomed. You matured. While you waited, you became more of yourself than you ever were. Don't give up on your love and, more importantly, on yourself.
Almost
Not quite; very nearly.
According to the English Oxford Dictionary, that's what "ALMOST" means.
I love you but not quite.
We're together but not really.
Almost relationships are the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses of life. They are the sentences that seem to be coming to an end but become run-ons instead. They are the ellipses and the question marks; statements that are unsure with no clear closure.
I asked a few of my trusted friends about what their thoughts are on the subject.
"I think it's okay as long as you don't invest so much."
"As long as there's an agreement between both parties, it's fine."
"It's nice but fleeting."
"It's fine but only in the beginning."
Here are my thoughts:
It might be okay as long as you don't invest so much. But the reality is, you will find yourself investing more than you anticipated. More than you should. Almost relationships can be beneficial just as they can be dangerous. If you're in it to get to know each other and figure out whether or not you want to be together, then it's fine. It's healthy. It's part of the process. But, when you are in it just because you don't want to commit (or can't) and you drag on a dying relationship that's going nowhere, then it's pointless. It's toxic. Some almost relationships aren't fleeting. Some last and linger. Don't waste your heart and get out. Both you and your partner deserve better.
Almost relationships are messy. You need the validation but it's not always there. You start having expectations but all you get is disappointed. You start demanding with no right to do so. There needs to be an agreement between you and your partner. The hard part is following through on your word. If you agree to wait then wait but do so with awareness and discernment. If you agree to only be friends then be nothing but. Stay within your boundaries. If you're starting to get serious or have been "together" for a while but you still don't have a label, then you're treading dangerous waters. At some point, you have to ask yourself (and your partner) where you two really stand. It's either you're together or you're not.
In almost relationships, you get the adrenaline rush and the butterflies. But just like with any other high, there's a crash. In almost relationships, someone always ends up hurt. And the pain isn't "not quite" or "very nearly"; it's there. It's tangible and you physically feel your heart breaking. Often times, it's the most hurt you have ever felt.
Your heart is sacred and it should not be treated as less than that, not even by you. Give it to someone who acknowledges this and acts on it as you do the same with them. Don't settle for an almost relationship. Invest in an always relationship instead. Take your time to get to know each other. If neither of you is ready for a real and official relationship, then stay as friends. Being in the friendzone isn't a bad thing. It's where you really get to know someone as they are without the goal of impression or the illusion of attraction. Relationships that stem from friendships are more honest and transparent. Clarify your intentions with each other. Trust yourself. Believe that you are worth more than the uncertainty. That you are worth working for. That you are worth waiting for. That you are worth praying for. Believe all this as you remind yourself that your partner merits the same.
Solitude
//
It's deafening. Debilitating.
The noise. The chaos. The world.
Too much to take. Too heavy to carry.
Time to get away.
Away from the commotion. The turbulence.
To escape. Somewhere isolated.
Quiet. Silent. Secluded.
Muted. Hidden. Deserted. Unguided.
Somewhere empty. Uninhabited.
There is solace in solitude.
Understanding.
A mirror staring back.
An autobiography waiting to be written.
A self-portrait yet to be created.
In being alone, you find a little bit of yourself.
Something uncovered but not yet discovered.
Perspective. Beauty. You.
So do not fear seclusion.
Do not dread desertion.
Embrace it. Thirst for it.
Yes, there is longing in being alone.
But long for it.
In solitude, you find contentment.
In solitude, you find comfort.
Not in others but in yourself.
Therefore, long for the silence.
Long for the calm.
Long for the stillness.
In solitude, you find yourself in being alone.
Work hard. Stay humble.
Don't ever forget where you started. Don't forget how you started. Always be someone who seeks to learn. Be teachable. Be someone who can take criticism constructively and use it to work with others rather than see it as a sign of disrespect. Learn to say no. Learn to stand up for yourself; surely, there will be times when no one else will. Be honest and be genuine; it's okay to have opinions. Not everyone will like them but you can't please everyone. Anyway, you're not there to please people. You're there to do your job and to do it right. Trust and respect are two-way streets. They can be lost just as they are earned. Find ways to earn and keep the trust and respect of others just as they find ways to earn and keep yours. Know your limitations and work to go beyond them but never do so with only your pride as your foundation. Instead, do so in order to gain experience and perspective. Challenge yourself while maintaining modesty. Be proud of yourself but never put yourself up on a pedestal. Work hard. Stay humble. Always strive to be better than your best.
Tunnel Vision
We find ourselves in love with someone, often unexpectedly. However, loving someone so immensely isn't always a good thing. Your love's intensity does not dictate its validity. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should. The more we fall in love, the more we focus on that person. We tunnel vision. No, that's not necessarily a bad thing. What makes the difference is if our love is intended to the right person. We shouldn't lose ourselves in the midst of finding someone. We shouldn't love ourselves less in order to love someone more. Instead, we should discover more of ourselves and become better human beings.
Notice I didn't say that we should find ourselves.
That should come before the beginning of any relationship. You cannot rely on someone else for you to find your identity. Otherwise, you become nothing but a product of someone else's biases and influence. Be your own person with your own mind. Do not let others manipulate who you are. Be the person that you are meant to be. Be beautiful based on your own confidence and not on how many likes you get on social media. Be determined with your decisions. Be passionate with your dreams.
Be tenacious. Be bold. Be you.
I firmly believe that finding yourself is a very personal journey and one that is best undertaken on your own. So, find yourself first before you find someone to give your heart to. And let them help you discover more of yourself as you do the same to them.
Love someone who inspires you to be better.
Love someone whom you don't have to compromise yourself for.
Love someone who loves you without you having to lose yourself in the process.
Love someone who receives the love you give and gives you as much (or more) in return.
Love someone who loves you for who you are.
Someone who encourages you to explore your full potential.
Love someone who motivates you to love yourself.
Hello, 2018!
2017 was a tough year. Nevertheless, I lived through it and learned from it. To welcome 2018, I spent the final hours of the preceding year with longtime friends and family. No better way to bid the last year adieu and begin the new one than with good conversation with good company. I have a feeling this year's going to be a good year and I'm determined to embrace it with a happy heart.
2017 Travel Log
2017 was definitely well-spent with adventures.
PI. TX. AR. FL. CAR. SK. CA. NY.
The Philippines
Texas
Arkansas
Florida
The Caribbean
South Korea
California
New York
"Traveling. It leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller."
#732
2016:
This year was tough. More lows than highs. The first half was pretty good. The second half, not so much. A majority of this year was made up of self-induced exhaustion. Worked more. Studied harder. Slept less. Just so I wouldn’t think about how much I was hurting. So I wouldn’t feel how much I was hurting. This was also when I saw the appeal in drinking. Not to get drunk but to turn it all off. All it took were a few drinks and my brain would shut down. It didn’t only help me let go of my thoughts but also prevent them from forming. I was never a party girl so I was never into getting wasted and losing control; I just don’t get that. I did, however, appreciate the calm and the release that drinking provided. Sometimes, “out of sight, out of mind” just doesn’t work. When I drank, I felt liberated of my pain. It wasn’t until the final days that things got better. The beginning and the end of this year were pretty good. It was everything else in between that messed me up.
2017:
W. T. F. This year confused the hell out of me. Everything was so lowkey and snuck up on me. I focused on myself this year, as selfish as that sounds. I traveled a lot. This year started off with an adventure back home in the Philippines. Flew to Arkansas for my cousin’s birthday. Went to California for my mom’s graduation. Got a taste of South Korea. Saw The Chainsmokers, Ed Sheeran, and Coldplay. Went on roadtrips. Met new people. Made new friends. Spent time with old ones. I had fun. I was content. Maybe even a little happy. But I felt empty. I was moving and going places but I wasn’t going anywhere. Plot twists all year-round. Surprisingly, my mind wasn’t on overdrive (as much). Maybe I got better at this “don’t overthink” business. Or maybe I’ve grown numb to certain things. Maybe both. This year was a year of healing. Mended my own wounds that the previous year gave me. What I went through last year left scars that I learned from this year. Not as fresh but still as relevant.
2016, you showed me how strong I can be.
2017, you taught me that loving myself is just as important as loving others.
What I learned from the past 732 days is that being happy doesn’t always have to depend on other people. Being happy is realizing that life is good with others as well as on your own. That, even though bad things come your way, good things do too. That you learn from the bad and live through the good. It’s a win-win situation. You only lose if you let yourself. I learned that being alone can be lonely but it doesn’t have to be.
Haters gonna hate.
You can’t please everybody, nor should you even try to. There are and will be people who want nothing more than to destroy you. Don’t let them. They will use their words and actions to ruin you and your reputation. Don’t let them. Do not ever stoop down to their level by retaliating. Don’t give them the satisfaction by responding. Sometimes, the best defensive action is no action at all. Let them waste their time and effort on trying to hurt you, but do not ever let yourself waste yours on them. You’re better than that. The weak-minded will be easily swayed but the strong-minded will not. If you lose people because of what others say about you without bothering to really know you, you are better off without them. You don’t need that kind of people in your life — the kind who do not value you as a person. Some say that you gotta fight fire with fire but all you end up with when you do that is more fire. You gotta fight fire with water. You gotta go against the grain and, sometimes, your very instinct to fight back and just let it go. Don’t let it become a bigger mess than it already is. Inhale the love. Exhale the hate. Because the only people you really need in your life are the ones who stay even when some have left. The ones who see the real you. The ones who will fight for you. The ones who will take the high road with you by defending you while maintaining respect and composure toward those who hate on you. The ones who will endlessly remind you that, though there are people who want to break you, there are also those who want nothing more than to love and support you. You can’t please everybody, nor should you even try to. Instead, cherish those who stand by you because you not only have haters… you have lovers too.
“Do you believe in long distance relationships?”
Someone recently asked me this question. Little did she know, I already had my stint with being with someone who was thousands of miles away. And, YES, I do believe in long distance relationships. I also believe that the reason why it doesn’t work is because, while one might believe in LDR, the person they’re with doesn’t or no longer does. Your life might be all fcvked up and so could your partner’s but if you’re really there for each other then there shouldn’t be a problem. It’s a matter of patience, trust, and understanding; unfortunately, sometimes, love is not enough. Nonetheless, love is what drives the relationship. There is a connection between how much you love someone and how much patience, trust, and understanding you invest into them. Yes, being in a long distance relationship is hard but, if you really love, trust, and understand each other, the distance shouldn’t negatively affect your relationship and instead positively reinforces it. Unfortunately, someone often gives up and that’s why the relationship ends. The same way mine did. Oddly enough, even after experiencing the heartbreak that came with the Lost and Deserted Relationship, I still have hope for long distance relationships given that the couple nurtures it at their fullest capacity because one instance of abandonment could easily catalyze the partnership’s downfall. It’s a team effort. The way any relationship should be. Once half of the dyad ceases to believe in the other, the efforts will end and so will the relationship.