Even If It Hurts

When I was in high school, I liked this boy. And he liked me. But I said no when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I never told him why. I never told him that it was because he had no dreams. No aspirations. He didn't want to do anything with his life. One day, I asked him what he wanted to do after we graduated. He just shrugged and said, "I don't know." I don't know why but that bothered me. Not his answer but how he said it. It wasn't just that he didn't know. It was that he didn't care to know. He had no intentions of being anything more than he was. I didn't tell him why I turned him down. I wanted him to figure it out on his own. I wanted him to act on himself for himself and not because it would've changed anything between us. I wanted him to figure out his life on his own. Gone were the days when we could just dream of the things that could be. We were already living in the times of when we had to make them happen. But he didn't. And nothing happened. Not with his dreams. Not with his life. Not with us. We don't talk anymore. He has kids now. And a wife. I think. I'm not sure if they're still together but that's beside the point. A lot has changed since we were kids but one thing has stayed the same: he still has no aspirations. No drive. No passion.

He was the greatest heartbreak of my life. When he left without a trace, I lost equilibrium. Too many times, I woke up crying. Sobbing. Wailing. Trying to catch my breath. After a while, lines started to blur. I didn't know which were worse — the nightmares when I was asleep or the ones I had when I was awake. It was excruciating. I lost my best friend. No closure. No explanation. No goodbye. He just disappeared from my life like he never existed. Like I never existed.

But, you know what? I don't regret saying no for a second nor do I regret having known him. The heartbreak he gave me prepared me for those to come. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to say no. It's okay to not follow your heart. To go with your brain. With what's logical. With what's practical. Even if it hurts. Life is too short to settle for less and too beautiful to be wasted on past pains. Give yourself the opportunity to find more than what life throws at you. Let yourself flourish. You might not think so when you do but things have an interesting way of working out when you give them a chance. When you give yourself a chance.