#732

2016:
This year was tough. More lows than highs. The first half was pretty good. The second half, not so much. A majority of this year was made up of self-induced exhaustion. Worked more. Studied harder. Slept less. Just so I wouldn’t think about how much I was hurting. So I wouldn’t feel how much I was hurting. This was also when I saw the appeal in drinking. Not to get drunk but to turn it all off. All it took were a few drinks and my brain would shut down. It didn’t only help me let go of my thoughts but also prevent them from forming. I was never a party girl so I was never into getting wasted and losing control; I just don’t get that. I did, however, appreciate the calm and the release that drinking provided. Sometimes, “out of sight, out of mind” just doesn’t work. When I drank, I felt liberated of my pain. It wasn’t until the final days that things got better. The beginning and the end of this year were pretty good. It was everything else in between that messed me up.

2017:
W. T. F. This year confused the hell out of me. Everything was so lowkey and snuck up on me. I focused on myself this year, as selfish as that sounds. I traveled a lot. This year started off with an adventure back home in the Philippines. Flew to Arkansas for my cousin’s birthday. Went to California for my mom’s graduation. Got a taste of South Korea. Saw The Chainsmokers, Ed Sheeran, and Coldplay. Went on roadtrips. Met new people. Made new friends. Spent time with old ones. I had fun. I was content. Maybe even a little happy. But I felt empty. I was moving and going places but I wasn’t going anywhere. Plot twists all year-round. Surprisingly, my mind wasn’t on overdrive (as much). Maybe I got better at this “don’t overthink” business. Or maybe I’ve grown numb to certain things. Maybe both. This year was a year of healing. Mended my own wounds that the previous year gave me. What I went through last year left scars that I learned from this year. Not as fresh but still as relevant.

2016, you showed me how strong I can be.
2017, you taught me that loving myself is just as important as loving others.

What I learned from the past 732 days is that being happy doesn’t always have to depend on other people. Being happy is realizing that life is good with others as well as on your own. That, even though bad things come your way, good things do too. That you learn from the bad and live through the good. It’s a win-win situation. You only lose if you let yourself. I learned that being alone can be lonely but it doesn’t have to be.