Hintay.

"Di ko alam kung dapat i-tigil ko na tong kalokohan na toh. Kalokohan na magintay ng magintay at kung sa dulo ng kalakasan ko, umasa naman pala sa wala. Tama nga sila. “mahirap.” “Sa totoo lang, di posible. Lalo na sa idad mong ganyan.” “Di gagana ang relasyon na yan.” “Bata ka pa.” ano ba iniisip ko noon? Na mamahalin ako at magiintay ng forever and ever? PUTEK. Walang ganyan sa reyalidad. Lalo na sa sitwasyon na ito at sa idad ko. Kawawa naman ako. Naging tangi. "

Ganyan na man talaga pagnatutunan mong mahalin ang isang tao – masaya ka pagmagkasama kayong dalawa at umaabot hanggang tenga ang ngiti mo sa pag-oonline o pagtext niya lang. Pero hindi lagi happy ang ma-in love. Minsan maranasan mo ang grabeng sakit na feeling mo hindi na umiikot ang mundo mo. Oo, mahirap nga at bata ka pa pero di mo naman piniling mahalin siya. Falling for him is something involuntary like breathing or your heart beating. The difference? Hindi ka mamamatay kung wala siya. Iikot pa rin ang mundo mo and life goes on kahit gaano man kasakit ang nararamdaman ng puso mo. It’s nice and sweet to say na siya ang priority mo pero reality is he shouldn’t be. Hindi muna ngayon. Focus on what you should be focusing on and follow GOD’s plans for you. Kung andyan pa rin siya pagkatapos mong gawin ang lahat mong kelangang gawin para sa buhay mo, diyaan mo na isipin kung siya nga ba talaga si “Mr. Right” kasi baka may ibang plano si LORD para sa’yo. Pero malay mo… siya rin nga siguro ang pinili ni LORD na maghintay sa’yo because when all is said and done, true love really does wait.

"Sometimes, love trumps logic."

Because love is not always logical. That’s why people can’t describe what love is or define it.

Sooner or later...

everything will fall into place and everything’s going to make sense whether it’s the way she wanted things to be or not but, for now, she just has to deal with this CHAOTIC world of hers the best way she can. Her heart can be her weakest link but it can also be the last one standing when the rest of her seems to have given up. And just like that… before she knows it… she’d have already overcome the distance, the fears and the worries. That’s when she thinks back and says to herself that, even though she felt the most pain she’s ever felt in her life, it was all worth it because that pain led her to be with the person that she will end up with for the rest of her life – the one that GOD has always chosen to wait for her.

20 Minutes

So much can happen in a matter of minutes. Things change, things develop. They can be lost and they can be found. A minute has 60 seconds and, when you think about it, it seems like so little time. It’s not. In my case, with just the small amount of time I spent talking to him, it made days of accumulated insecurities go away. He has a way of doing that – calming me down with his words as if he knows what to say when I need him most. And the funny thing is, I don’t have to tell him I need him. He just knows that I do. It’s like he can read my thoughts and feel my heart. So with those 20 minutes, I lost all the unwanted worries and found the REASSURANCE that I need.

"What if the guy holding your hand and the guy holding your heart isn’t the same one?"

Then obviously you’re setting yourself up for a mess. You’re not only playing with 2 guys but also with your heart. It’s a perfect recipe for complications and heartache. You might not care about the 2 boys but at least care about yourself. It’s like you’re trying to replace the one who holds your heart with the one who holds your hand because deep down in your subconscious (maybe even slightly conscious) mind, you know or have the feeling that being held by the one you love might not become a reality. And why are you holding someone else’s hand when you clearly know your heart isn’t with him? It’s a major case of desperation in my opinion. Desperate to move on. Desperate to hold someone's hand. Desperate to love and be loved.

Just. Wow.

How someone who you thought was perfect isn’t so perfect after all. And when you look the other way and find someone who isn’t scared to expose their imperfections to you, you realize that you don’t need someone perfect… just someone who isn’t but is willing to share their flaws with you.

Slow Process

A couple nights ago, a friend of mine texted me about his ex-girlfriend, asking what it means when a girl wears a ring on her ring finger. I figured he wasn’t over her yet. But the thing is, it’s been months since they broke up and they didn’t even last that long (one month). Talking to him, I realized that I’ve gone through so much heartache in just a matter of years, so much that I started to go numb towards those memories. When i was giving him advice, it felt like it’s been so long since I felt that much pain. Telling him how to deal was like reminding myself of how I coped with my broken heart. I’m not the type to burn bridges after a break-up. To this day, I still talk to the ones who used to hold my heart. I don’t hold grudges against them. After all those experiences, I learned that if you rush to get over someone, you end up not getting over them. You just put them aside. But once you’re reminded of how much you love them? It’s “oh sht” for you. It’s a slow process. It’s not going to take just a week or maybe even a month to recover. And you shouldn’t expect to completely forget them because, at some point in your life, you both shared good memories together. Now, your heart hurts every time you’re reminded of those times because they don’t exist anymore, but you gotta get over the fact that it’s over. There’s nothing you can do about that. Reality sucks. That’s why people came up with fantasy; so they can escape from what’s really going on. But it’s better to face the truth and move on than keep on hoping for something that’s not going to happen. This sounds cliche but only time will tell. Surround yourself with friends, school, work, etc. Distract yourself and DO NOT think about your ex. Let it all out of your system. Cry it out if you have to. A friend can only help you to a certain point. They can give you all the advice in the world but it doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to get over the hurt. It just means that your friend helped. You need to understand the situation. It’s no easy task but, after so many mistakes, you learn what not to do. In due time, you’ll find someone better, look back and wonder why you used up so much time on someone that’s not as important as who you got in the end.

Home

It’s 1:04 in the morning of my last day here in the Philippines. I feel all sorts of discomforts like my body’s rebelling against the fact that I’m leaving in about 12 hours. My head hurts. The world around me seems to be spinning hyperactively. My stomach hurts like I haven’t eaten anything in days (which everyone can prove false). I’m still sick with cough and cold – been coughing up a storm lately and my whole body just doesn’t feel quite normal. This is NOT a good way to start a day full of traveling, walking, terminal transfers and separation anxiety. I spent a full month of laughter, pain and confusion in this country but even when worse comes to worst I still love it here. There’s something about this place that just makes me want to stay here forever. And that’s when reality hits me with a double-edged (choose your kind of weapon) in the back. I have to go back to where I started my future – the future that the Philippines will still have a huge part of but not now. So much has happened in these past 4 weeks. Some boredom. Some relaxation. Some heartaches. Some enjoyment. I will surely miss the sound of motors, tricycles and trucks passing by the highway in Malaybalay, the shopping sessions in Davao, the plaza moments in La Carlota, the stargazing times with a bright full moon and fireworks in the night sky,  the pigging out in Jollibee, the pictorials pretty much everywhere and the comfort of having family so close by. These are just some of the things that tell me I’m back where I truly believe I belong. The place where i grew up. The place that holds my heart. The place i still call home.