Change
Over the year, I’ve learned that you can’t hold on to all of the innocence you once had. Life has this bittersweet way of changing people. It gets in the way of your plans. It has the ability to derail any and every routine that you hold close for comfort. The curious thing about it is you don’t really know if things will change for the better or for worse… if you yourself will change for the better or for worse. The difference lies in how you handle both the expected and unexpected situations that life brings. You can either let your struggles bring you down and lead you to self-destruction or let them build you up and inspire you to be stronger. Change is constant, and there is nothing anyone can do about that. Things change. People change. It can be exciting. It can be disappointing… but you can hold on to the fact that there is calm in knowing that whatever comes your way, though you may lose your innocence, you gain understanding.
What now?
She feels bare..exposed… vulnerable. The one person she loved in every way possible left her. Her best friend ultimately abandoned her without a word nor warning… without closure. How is she supposed to handle that? When he candidly disappeared from her life like their friendship never happened? Should she fight for him? For them? Should she let him go? How? It’s not that easy. Nothing makes sense. She’s trying to understand the situation but she just doesn’t get it. She feels lost. Who’s she supposed to run to now?
"You deserve someone who will always be there for you. Sometimes they turn out to be the person who you’ve always wanted to be with… and sometimes they don’t." — M.
“The only way you know you love yourself (or anyone else) is by the commitments you’re willing to make and keep.”
“He slept curled against her back, a dark comma against her pale elegant phrase.”
Self-preservation
As much as I talk to people, I realize that nobody really knows anything personal about me anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve been let down by a lot of people. Way too many times. After a while, I developed some major trust issues. Well, I mean it’s not really that big of a deal… until you think about it, I guess. I just learned to close myself off from telling too much and investing a part of myself to anybody. I’m not a risk-taker. Never was. So when the time comes that I have to decide whether to trust someone at the expense of exposure or not, I'd rather just keep it in. I don’t want to keep blaming myself for things I could have avoided but didn’t. Some see it as distance, I see it as self-preservation.
My Thing
Getting close to people is sort of my thing. It comes so naturally to me. Like it’s my purpose in life. It really might be but it’s such a curse sometimes. Is that possible? Can something so innate be so imprisoning? With my insecurities, you would think I would be able to stay away from attachment. Apparently not. It’s not that I get jealous. It’s just that I can’t seem to ever feel like I mean to someone as much as they mean to me. Cue insecurity. Then, paranoia. The funny thing is, paranoia usually turns into fact. The more I get to know someone, the more pain I feel when I lose them. I should just not familiarize myself with anybody because the ending is always the same. They all walk away, and I’m the idiot left behind still hoping that they’d turn around for me to catch a glimpse of regret in their eyes. Of course… they don’t. Getting close to people is sort of my thing… and leaving me behind is everyone else’s.
Keep your distance, little girl.
The farther you are from the fire, the less likely you are to get burned.
Speed
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I have so much to write about but the words just don’t seem to find their way. It’s like I’m stuck with all this chatter in my head. It’s so loud in there… even I can’t figure it out. Sometimes I catch myself in a daze and sometimes I’m distracted with the world’s background noise. It’s so tiring, keeping up with my own speed. Some days I’d rather just sleep my life away. Close my eyes, plug my ears and shut the world out. But the reality is, the chaos will still be there when I wake up… and I can only sleep for so long.
"Love is the kind of thing that’s already happening by the time you notice it. That’s how it works, and no matter how old you get, that doesn’t change. Except that you can break it up into two entirely distinct types — love where there’s an end in sight and love where there isn’t." — Banana Yoshimoto
"Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes. That’s the kind of world we live in. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won’t make time stand still."
— Haruki Murakami
Goodbye.
Such a fragile word.
Tell her that and don’t ever think of looking back.
She won’t be there waiting.
“Is it considered as giving up if you’re letting him go without a fight just so he can be happy with someone else?”
Seven years. One year.
I’m going crazy without him. I know he has a girlfriend… but still. He’s my best friend and I’m his. At least I still think so. I used to be so sure that it would always stay that way forever but now I’m starting to think that his forever doesn’t last as long as mine. I feel like I’m losing him. Like he’s breaking up with me when we weren’t even together. The sad part? We could’ve been – together. We just never had the right timing. It’s how our relationship works: I get serious with him, he’s serious with someone else… He falls for me, I’ve fallen for someone else.
Our feelings do agree on one thing though: we’re each other's “the one that got away”. I don’t know how he feels about me now but I still do love him. I guess that’s why the one that got away hurts just about as much as the FIRST. Nothing ever happened with the one that got away even when the whole universe was yelling at you, to the point of extinction, to say that so much could have. The feelings were there, the chemistry, the fireworks… the spark. But you’re stuck where you are, running on autopilot, driving on a never-ending loop of wondering what if.
We had a promise that rang so loudly in our ears and pounded so abusively in our hearts and, yet, it was never spoken out to the open air. It was a promise that didn’t need to be said but felt. It was the promise to always be there for each other no matter what. That promise existed until now. He no longer runs to me when I call out to him. My lungs have collapsed. My tears dried and my heart broken. As did the promise. When I need him the most, he’s nowhere to be seen.
Seven years to know each other.
One year to become the strangers we once were.
"I'll find you a boyfriend."
I used to deeply desire to be in a relationship but when my friend asked me about having a boyfriend, I contentedly answered that I didn’t have one (much to both our surprise..lol). I told her I just wasn’t interested in anybody. She felt bad and worried about me not spending Valentine’s Day with someone special. At this point of our conversation, I was already talking to myself in my head, wondering why I wasn’t even slightly bothered by it. Maybe because I’m so caught up in school, or I just don’t want to complicate my life even more than it already is. Or maybe I’ve come to realize and finally accept that I’m not ready. There’s so much more to life for me right now than to stress over being dateless on the 14th of February. Even though I can’t see my future without having a family of my own, I’m perfectly fine with living my life for myself at the moment. Because I know that, when the time’s right, my future and I will find each other. I just have to be patient and keep the faith.
Storytellers
I know it’s so cliche but it’s true. I spent some time at a homeless shelter in Dallas a couple of hours ago, listening to speakers talk to the homeless about how God is working in each of their lives. One of the speakers, Austin, gave a testimony about his own experience as a homeless man. It’s terrible how people look down on them just because of their outer appearance, judging them based on the stereotype that they’ve lost all they had because of drugs, alcohol, or some other illegal and reckless activities. Even though this may be true in some cases, it isn’t so in EVERY case. Austin became homeless because of some bad luck… trusting the wrong people just to keep up with reality, trying to make it in the city of angels. Before he moved to LA, he had a good background — got good grades, graduated from SMU, went to church, no run-ins with the police…he was a good kid. At first, he was making it with a job under his friend’s family’s business, but when the business turned out to be a bit shady and the rent for his apartment went up, he was kicked out with nowhere to go but the public park. He was homeless for at least 5 months wandering the streets of California, working wherever he could find a job. After about half a year later, he was able to pick himself back up, and now he dedicates his time to the homeless, giving them words of encouragement along with the word of God. It amazes me how, even with all that he went through, he was able to keep his faith. He followed the rules of God in his everyday life as a homeless man. He knew that it was all happening for a reason and kept calm. Listening to Austin, it made me think…if he could do it with a lot less of what I’ve got now, whattheheckk is stopping me from doing the same? Why is it so hard for me to not worry about the smallest things when this guy managed to remain so faithful with nothing but a trash bag of clothes and a park bench to sleep on? It’s a bit pathetic don’t you think? Some of us “well off” people judge the “poor and needy” when some of them are the ones who deserve our respect. In the eyes of the Lord, there’s no rich or poor, no clean or dirty… so I hope that people would scrutinize less and understand more. Everybody has a story to tell. All we need to do is stop and take time to listen.
"I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." — Maya Angelou